PHP

Wow. Let me start off by saying I am so blown away but the support, kind words, and encouragement I have gotten from those who read this blog. It is amazing. I really don't know what else to say besides that I'm so touched and grateful. *happy tears*

I started the Partial Hospitalization Program (aka PHP or Partial) on Wednesday. I pretty much just went with the flow...I met with various people and told what was going on with me and yeah it was hard having to relive my hyst experiences over and over and over again. I was told the first day would be the hardest: I didn't know anyone, I couldn't believe I was there, recounting my tale. But it was okay.

Thursday I met with a lady who is the Program Coordinator. This was the first time I cried there. I had to talk about the feelings I was experiencing, and talked about how much endo/adeno had taken from me and where I am now with my emotions and sinus stuff. It was good to get it out, and I was told later that most everyone leaves that office crying. We also did an exercise where we identify our core values. There was a huge list, we chose 10 of the most important, then narrowed it down to five, and then pick the top one. My top one was having a family. Then we were supposed to name a core belief about the top value, something that you've just always known to be true, even if it's really not. I realized that I believed that since I'm a girl I'm supposed to be the mom. That's the way it is. So no wonder I'm having trouble with the hyst thing, I have a core belief of 25 years to have to rethink! So that was very eye opening for me.

Thursday afternoon we go do something outside of the hospital. We went to a local art museum. It was pretty cool. Their featured exhibit was a Native American artist from MN who uses only colored pencils. I really enjoyed it. The rest of the exhibits were pretty cool too. There was a display of Native American baby shoes that kinda got to me, but I kept telling myself that there were many other interesting things I saw there, so why dwell on that? I was told that it was a very healthy thing to do and was commended :-)

Thursday evening I went out to supper with a couple friends. That was a lot of fun; we're pretty demented. I stopped at Aero and talked with the 2nd in command, and she was so sweet and understanding, and told me if it even took five months for me to be okay, I would still have a job waiting for me. That was so great to hear. Then I bought a cute bag so I can tote my PHP stuff around!

Thursday night got rough. I started crying and crying and couldn't stop, but my friend Bill came over and we talked a long time and he gave me hugs and we joked. I was able to stop my thoughts from becoming too dark. At the time I was pretty hard on myself, I mean, I had a wonderful day and then my night sucked, so I'm a failure, but after I realized that I did the right thing by having Bill come over and stopped it from getting worse, so in fact it was a victory.

Friday was really good in PHP. We talked about what we were gonna do this weekend, and I said that Andy was coming back from his family vacation and I was nervous about having to talk with him about everything that has happened since he left. It's been hard to update him via text message. This was the first time I talked in front of the group about my hyst, and some women there who were older than me said that they have trouble with the fact that they haven't had kids yet, and some would tell me of relatives who couldn't have kids of their own and were able to empathize that way. It meant so much to me. I really felt good too being able to open up there.

Friday for supper I went out to eat with my dad and my friend Matt. It was a lot of fun. Then after supper my dad and I talked, and I told him how bad things had gotten for me. I have trouble telling him things because I don't want him and my family to worry about me, but I was able to do it. It was pretty draining, but he and I were both glad that I was able to talk about it. OMG not easy telling your dad that you wanted to kill yourself and your cat. But he was great about it, and trusts that I am getting the help that I need and that it was great that I did reach out when I did.

Andy is now back, he's sleeping this afternoon but we will sit down sometime and I will talk about what I'm going through; he and I are both looking forward to that.

So there's an update on me! Thanks again for your wonderful support!!