New Guy

It's soooo boring and slow at work right now, so I thought I'd take a minute for a quick blog post.

Oh yeah, and everyone's in a meeting right now too, lol.

I know you all have been waiting to hear details about the new guy.

New guy (haven't talked to him yet about this blog, so for now he's new guy) is 31, lives about 15 mins away from me, has the best sense of humor ever, and is a great kisser. He's a big sci fi fan, and works too much, lol.

We met online; my friend Bill met this chick that he loves hanging out with online and that triggered a pity party for me because if Mr Doesn't Believe in Romance can find someone he likes and I have no one, yeah, LOSER. And then I realized that no, that was stupid, I can look online too. Within a few mins of my profile going up, he messaged me. My pic wasn't even up yet!

When I started talking to this guy, of course my hyst was in the back of my head. How am I gonna bring it up? It's a huge matter, not really like first date material. What do I do, "I love reading, video games, and had a hyst over a year ago?" Um, I think no.

But like most things in life, sex is the answer.

LOL what?

Being responsible adults, we discussed this topic in advance (chatting on Yahoo). He asked if I was on any birth control, and I respond, "Oh, well, that's awkward." "Why awkward?" "I had a hysterectomy, therefore I really don't need to be on it." "Oh. Not awkward."

*blink* What? I just told him I had a hyst and he's still talking to me?

I leave it at that.

The other day he brought up if I wanted to be his gf (insert girly giggles and smiles) and my first response was "Well, what about my hyst?" "Your medical problems don't bother me."

*blink* What? He wants to be in a relationship with me knowing full well I have no uterus?

And before you yell at me, I know full well I'm more than my missing uterus. I know that. I've spent a lot of my father's and insurance company's money learning that, lol. But I want to be honest with him, and upfront.

He just likes me and wants to hang out with me :-)

So we'll see what happens! I'm seeing him tonight again :)

Still Got It

I met someone.

Had a date last night.

He wants to see me again this evening.

More details will come later!

Holiday Aftermath

We finally got to have our family Christmas yesterday (Sat the 27th). The roads weren't that great, but they made it here. We ended up with 17 inches of snow.

I didn't get to make the dinner that we had planned, we only had time to open presents before everyone had to leave. Dad and my brothers left this morning (Sun) for their annual ski/snowboarding trip, and there was a lot left to do to prepare for their trip. I couldn't go because at work it's end of year, and those little terminals and components don't count themselves! We're thinking though, since this is the first year I'm able to do stuff, we might take a day trip somewhere in MN so I can try snowboarding.

On to the materialism! The Christmas gifts I got this year (not necessarily from just my family, but I'm lumping everything here for those interested): a new PS3 (ours is having issues; right now it's a $600 PS2), gift cards to Barnes and Noble, the George Harrison albums I've been missing, the Star Trek movies I've been missing, a spice rack, a lotus necklace, Tom Petty's live anthology, chocolate, a spice rack, a troll (see picture...my grandma collected them (it's a Norwegian thing) and my mom inherited them, and so it's become an "our family" thing, and everyone got a troll this year), money, a few Beatles remastered albums (which are awesome), tequila and grenadine, and some bath/shower gel. Oh, and Beatles Rock Band, as a present to myself, lol. Everyone was very happy with their presents. I can't wait to play with mom's Kindle and Justin's new netbook. Oh, the boys got bike racks for their cars, so they were planning on sometime this summer going biking somewhere, and then I protested, going, "What about me?" Mom jumped in with, "They're just not used to you being able to do stuff yet." I had to smile at that!

After everyone left, Andy and I did our final present exchange. I had texted him in the morning about when we were gonna get together, because his sister was going to leave sometime today, and Alex needed to get her present to Linus (his sister's cat). He called me back saying that he wasn't sure what was going on, wanted to know how my Christmas was, filled me in on the snow removal he and his dad did, and said we'd be in touch. Yeah, called me, weird. I was like I just need to get this present to his sister. So after everyone left I texted him saying that everyone's gone so it'd work out to do the exchange this evening, and he said he'd drop by since he was out and about anyway. My anxiety wasn't too bad, but it was noticeable. He got here, and we did the gift exchange, then he again wanted to talk about Christmas stuff, work stuff, family stuff; we thanked each other for the presents we had gotten each other. We just stood in the entry way, talking. I could tell he misses me, but I'm not gonna dwell on that, he made his decision, I'm moving on. Was kinda funny--Alex politely greeted him and then dashed upstairs. He left, saying something like talk to you later, I said bye, and that was it. I'm just glad that's taken care of, and soon, Linus will be playing with his mice and crinkle balls. Alex was most pleased with the present of two bags of treats and a catnip mouse from Linus.

So now Alex and I have the place to ourselves for a week. It's really nice and quiet here, after being snowed in with the boys since Weds. I don't know what people did before computers, iTunes, texting, and Rock Band to wait out these storms couped up together, lol! I'm gonna take some time off of playing though, can't really feel my right hand, lol. I am getting better, the boys are most pleased (I'm pretty much now playing exclusively on hard)! But yeah, it wasn't too bad being stuck inside, there were some tension filled moments but no fights and nothing was broken.

So there were my Holiday events. I'll write sometime with the whole Holiday-IF thing and how that was for me, since I actively participated in the Holidays this year. But now I'm off to shovel!

Christmas Eve

We were in the midst of a winter storm Christmas Eve (which has turned into a blizzard for Christmas Day). My parents were stuck at home, but my brothers and I were in the same place and we spent the day cleaning, then in the evening we dined on Sloppy Joes and played Beatles Rock Band. Alex was the only one able to open presents (her grandpa said over the phone that she shouldn't have to suffer, and when I complained that I had to wait til probably Saturday, I was told I was an adult).

Here are a few pics to enjoy!

Helping me open her present from Grandma and Grandpa

Hurry up mommy!

And, like any kid, she prefers the box.

She loves it!

So tired after playing with her new perch and her box!

Prayers/Thoughts/Support Needed

Please go to END.ometriosis's blog and offer prayers, thoughts, hugs, and support as her sister is in the hospital in a coma, and as she gathers strength for herself and her family.

Christmas Q & A

I found this on Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings thru ICLW.

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy this entire post. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then post this on your blog.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. I always get the cutest, funnest wrapping paper, and I buy at least one new roll a year. I've had Mickey Mouse, Pooh Bear, Fairly Odd Parents, Frosty, and this year was Christmas Kitties!

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial. We've only had artificial. Matter of fact, we have the same artificial tree at home that we've had since I was a baby. Or maybe even before that.

3. When do you put up the tree? This year, it went up the day after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Usually before New Years. Less trouble for Alex to get into.

5. Do you like eggnog? Not so much.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm. Star Trek toys were always a hit.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Mother. She never wants anything and hates when you get her anything. Usually dad comes up with something tho. Then there's my brother Justin, he's hard too.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Me. What, you're not supposed to buy yourself presents? Oh ok. My brother Eli.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail!

11. Worst Christmas ever? OMG the Christmas From Hell When I Was on Lupron. No one could say anything to me without me bawling.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? The Santa Clause movies. Otherwise I like the classic cartoons, Frosty, Mickey's Christmas Carol, Stingiest Man in Town, and my fav: Twas the Night Before Christmas

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? This was the first Christmas I really had money to shop, and I started after Thanksgiving.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope

15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Lefse. Cranberries. Almond bark pretzels.

16. Lights on the tree? Blue!

17. Favorite Christmas song? Ringo's Christmas album, and this year, Dylan's Christmas album!

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Usually I'm "home" whether it's where I live or where my parents live.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Oh yeah.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve, and Santa's Christmas Morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Parking lots.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? My Star Trek ornaments.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? It really varies. Some years it's been turkey, sometimes ham.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Smoltz jersey, George Harrison CD's, Cat Stevens' CDs, kitchen stuff, stuff for Alex, Barnes and Noble gift cards, the Koran

Now it's your turn. If you play, please leave me the link so I can read your answers.

Odds and Ends

I had my therapy appointment this morning.

It went really well! She thought I was doing great! She remarked she felt a sense of relief and freedom from me. Couldn't really argue with that. We talked about various things, how normal my feelings were (I was concerned that since I'm not reacting as a "psycho bitch" I must be bottling up my feelings or something, but no, this is just the way I am, and I needed to make sure cause I didn't want a repeat of this past summer when I bottled up all my hyst feelings and things got bad), and again, how great I'm doing in moving on, but at the same time not dismissing the times when I feel sad or angry, which are getting few and far between. It was great to touch base with her, and I don't have another appt with her until Feb.

Yesterday I had my appt with my psych, and we're keeping all the meds the same. Low dosages are doing their job, for which I'm thankful.

So yay! Everything is manageable, and that's all I can ask for.

Our Christmas Eve plans are up in the air now, since we might get a storm that might bring up to a foot of snow. Justin and I bought food that we can either make for Christmas Eve, or on Saturday (which is also Justin's 22nd birthday). So we'll see what happens.

My friends Matt, Bill, and I went out to eat last night to celebrate Bill's birthday. It was a lot of fun! We are so demented. I love great friends, good food, and awkward moments.

Tonight, besides nursing this cold, both brothers are over and we've been playing Beatles Rock Band. I'm not as good as them, but it's still a blast. They don't know the songs as well as I do (I've been listening to them since elementary school), but they're learning.

I work tomorrow but then have the rest of the week off. We had our company pot luck today, and I was looking forward to it, but the accounting firm we use, one of the chicks came with her baby. I didn't know they were coming so I couldn't mentally prepare for it. Yeah I ate fast and then left the break room. Matt kept asking if I was okay, and yeah I was, but meh you know?

So that's what's been up with me the last couple of days!

ICLW Time Is Here Again

O-U-T spells out.

Sorry, been listening to Ringo's Christmas album too much lately.

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Sonja. I'm 25, live in MN with my brother and my wonderful kitty girl Alex. No, you cannot have her. Offers will be taken on my brother, however. I like to read, listen to Tom Petty and George Harrison, and play PS3.

I have a history of endo, which was excised in March 2008, and adenomyosis, which resulted in a hysterectomy in November 2008. My hyst has been, and is, hard emotionally on me, which is why I started this blog.

My now ex-boyfriend Andy broke up with me after almost three years on the 14th. Things started getting not so good when he was trying to decide if he could be with me since I can't conceive, and things were on eggshells since then; I thought we were working on things but he decided it was over. His loss. I'm pretty awesome.

I've learned a lot on my journey since my hyst--I've grown a lot as a person, I keep learning about myself and life, and am excited to see what lies ahead.

Little Update

Last night was a little rough. I finished "Somewhere in Time" and yeah it had a happy romantic moment in it so I started missing Andy. I went up to my room for around five minutes, cried, and then fought the urge to stay in my room forever. I realized I was pretty angry with him, for a lot of things. I'm still working all that out. I don't know why it takes me forever to figure out that I'm angry with things, once I do admit it I am better off. So enough with missing him. I had my little moment.

Thanks to my friends for helping me work thru this stuff. I am not the best with feelings, and I'm so glad they don't charge by the hour. They, and I know, I'm gonna get thru this, I've been thru worse, there are bigger and better things for me out there. Even Justin has noticed that I've been happier the last few days, and is proud of me for doing so well. I am pretty awesome.

My brother Justin and I went out last night for a couple of drinks. Just to get out of the house. It was fun. Noticed a few guys looking at me, that felt good on the ego! We weren't out long, just enough for a couple of tequila sunrises. Nom.

Today Justin and I (and maybe his gf, not sure what she's up to) are gonna do some baking. Then I need to start planning what I'm serving for Christmas Eve dinner.

Oh yeah, and play more Beatles Rock Band.

It's gonna be a good day.

Go Me!

Thought I'd do a little update.

Not gonna lie, I'm proud of myself.

I've been to work the last two days.

Made an appointment with my therapist for Tuesday.

Tonight I went to Starbucks and read there for about an hour just to get out of the house.

Made it all day without having to take something for anxiety.

I have not gone to the thought of "the breakup happened because of my hyst." Ok I did once, and my dad yelled at me. Then when I told J that I had mentioned that to my dad, she threatened to beat me with her cane. I got the point.

Even though my feelings are kinda jumbled, I've been sharing them.

I'm not letting the breakup haunt my Holiday season. I'm not even that upset that he did it right before Christmas, which seems to be everyone's first thought.

I'm accepting my feelings for what they are. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm angry, I'm angry. It is what it is. Fighting it will only make it worse.

Wow

I feel so much better after writing that last post :-)

I know where I sit now.

I can do this.

I'm not worried about things, not even the stupid present exchange yet to happen.

I've tapped into my inner strength (which when I can't find, and even when I do have it, the outer strength from you, my friends, is amazing, but that warrants its own post when I'm less fuzzy headed).

Like Tom Petty says, "It's time to move on, time to get goin, what lies ahead I have no way of knowin..."

But I'm kinda excited to find out :-)

Today's Thoughts

Today I was sad. And a little bitter.

Ok, very bitter. I wanted to send out the work Christmas cards as "Happy Holidays, Death to Humanity, Send me Chocolate." I couldn't do that, however--Matt pointed out that if humanity dies, there will be no one left to send me chocolate.

I've been missing him today. I want him back. Every time I get a text I hope it's him.

I'm stuck in this limbo between holding on to him and wanting to move on. Parts of me have moved on. I removed him as a friend from Facebook. But I miss him. I'm worried about him.

I know this is all normal post break up stuff, but it sucks, I hate it. It's not as bad as the hyst stuff, but yeah, still not a fan.

I'm not gonna call him or text him. We have to get together sometime next week to exchange the presents our parents got for one another, and other family related gifts, but when I left his place yesterday I said I didn't want to deal with setting a date/time til next week (the presents won't all be in town anyway til next week, otherwise I would have had this over with already).

I hope this is making sense. I had to take an anti anxiety med today after work (but I made it thru work, I'm very proud of that!) and brain is fuzzy.

Maybe things will be better now that we're not together. I don't know, but I'm entertaining that possibility. At the same time I'm missing him.

Sad

I'm sad tonight.

Earlier this evening I went to Andy's and dropped off his stuff and his presents, and I picked up my stuff and my present.

We talked a little bit. I wanted to know why we had made all these plans for the Holidays if he had planned on breaking up, but he said it didn't work that way, that it wasn't a long planned thing. He felt the time was right on Monday. I asked him if he knew what he was doing. He said he hoped he did too.

He again cried more than I did. When I left it looked like he was just going to fall apart.

I cried on my way back, and was greeted by a hug from my brother (and a rented copy of Harry Potter 6).

I plopped on the couch with Alex. I ate supper and have been chatting with friends. Their support means so much.

I want so badly to fix things, to understand things, but I cannot.

I am doing better than I had thought I would be. I'm not the kind of person to go all psycho bitch or anything. I do what I have to do, then move on. I probably am internalizing things more than I should, but I'm working on that.

It still hurts. I'm still sad. My heart is still broken. I want to just pick up the phone and call him and ask "what can I do."

All the pictures are taken down. He's no longer speed dial number two. I returned all of his stuff.

I'm relying on all my Buddhist teachings to remember that there is always change, and attachment always leads to suffering.

I'll be okay. I am okay. Just trying to process everything as I move on.

Back to work tomorrow. I took today off to regroup, but I need to get back to work tomorrow so I don't slip into a pit or something. I need my routine.

None of Life's Strings Can Last

I'm alright today. Matt gave me the day off. I could have gone to work but still have some lingering anxiety from yesterday, and if I need to take something for it, I need to be home.

I slept pretty well. Had an odd dream where I hooked up with a Romulan.

But yeah, I'm good. The pics came down last night, and tonight I'm bringing his stuff and his presents over after he's done with work.

Yeah I'm sad and all, three years (well it would have been three next month) is a long time, it sucks, but I'm also relieved. No more wondering. No more walking on eggshells. I'm done with him bringing on anxiety attacks.

It's over. Time to move on. Like George Harrison sings, "All things must pass, All things must pass away, All things must pass, None of life's strings can last, So, I must be on my way, And face another day..."

So yeah, just a lot of emotions going on right now. But I'm alright. More than I thought I'd be.

I'm still me. I still have Alex, my friends, and my family. By the way, my brother brought home my favorite kind of ice cream last night, how awesome is that?

Life is good.

It's Over

Andy and I broke up this evening.

Things hadn't changed since our last talk.

He cried more than I did.

So yeah, it's over.

Talk Tonight

Andy wants to talk tonight.

He said it's about the "same old stuff."

I assume he wants to revisit the topics we first touched on here. And a topic which I want to discuss, but I'm not ready to talk about it here yet. I wanted to talk about it this weekend. He wasn't ready yet.

So I get a text this morning as I'm leaving for work saying he wants to talk. Cue anxiety attack. I made it two hours at work before I came home.

We'll see what happens.

Cookies! And Other Holiday Happenings

I apologize for not updating much lately.

Apparently, the Holiday season is uber busy when you're not stuck on the couch!

I've gotten all of my shopping done except for one or two things. Cookie baking (and eating) has begun (the pic is of me and my brother Eli). Cards are mailed out. One ornament has been lost to Alex. As have pieces of wrapping paper, which evidently is delicious. Oh, and today I found out she likes gingerbread cookies. Such an odd cat. Takes after her mommy.

We're having Christmas Eve at my place, and then Christmas Day at Andy's parents. I think I'm doing the majority of the cooking/baking for Christmas Eve and I'm starting to play around with different ideas. I mean, besides eating sugar cookies.

I'm getting excited for Andy's brother and sister-in-law to come visit! They should be getting here around the 20th!

Hmmm...what else?

Work is going well (I don't think I mentioned this here but I stopped working at Aero and just working about 25-30 hours a week doing secretary stuff at my friend Matt's family business). I made a roast tonight for the first time ever and it turned out wonderfully. I'm reading an awesome book right now called "Somewhere in Time" by Richard Matheson. The ground is finally covered in snow.

I did have a rough IF night on Friday but I'm not sure how to talk about it or even if I should here. Let's just say that it deals with the cosmic irony/joke that happens when you can't have children and other people in your life do, and you don't find it funny.

Just wanted to do a brief update so you didn't think I disappeared or anything :-)

What's everyone else up to?

The Cat's in the Bag for this Wordless Wednesday

Twas the Night Before Christmas (Kur-plunk...Ka-plooey!)

I thought I would share my favorite Holiday cartoon. I've loved this one ever since I was little and I watch it every year (and yes, I always sing along!). Enjoy!

Day with Mom

Today I spent the late morning and afternoon with my mom. She came into town and we did some Christmas shopping, wandered around Barnes and Noble, and I had to remove Alex from mom's pant leg (she's outgrown that for everyone else but my mom, it's so weird).

My mom is an odd one. She's usually not too good with feelings. She means well, but sometimes it's like, really mom? Like one day last spring she told for some reason she was glad I couldn't have kids. Once waiting for Eli's doctor, she hopped on the stool and started spinning around on it. Sometimes I think she lives in an alternate reality that sometimes just fades in and out of ours, lol. But yeah, you never quite know what you're gonna get with mom.

So needless to say I really haven't talked to her much about my feelings post hyst. I never wanted to take the chance that she'd say something well meaning but would still hurt.

Today I brought up the subject of maybe sometime soon talking to my dad (an accountant) about setting up a fund for future adoption stuff, and then she jumped in about "well what about surrogacy?" and so I said that yeah, both are options but I'm gonna need money for both.

Then later I broached the subject of making her a grandmother. Now my parents have always been cool, there were never any expectations on us for what we were supposed to do with our lives, like schooling, careers, stuff like that, and esp kids. So after I said that, I also added that I still feel guilty about not being able to make her a grandma normally. She told me she didn't understand that because my life is my own.

I let that sink in, after all I did expect that answer, and then when we got back to my place I brought up how I remember her telling stories about me being a little girl with my grandma and it makes me sad that my mom won't "be walking around holding Bert and Ernie" for her granddaughter, like mine did. She immediately said that was part of my past, it was mine, it cannot be repeated. She did then say that it would be funny if I had a child who also hung her Barbie Dolls (I have no recollection of this event).

Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Gave me something to think about and process.

I'm glad that we were honest with each other and nothing awkward was said so we could understand each other a bit more, since it had been a long time since we talked about my hyst stuff.

The Results Are In!

The winner of my first ever giveaway is....

Allison at My Journey with Endometriosis!

(I used random.org)

Who actually just entered tonight; you're lucky I didn't go to bed early, lol!

If you could email me at dontscareeasy_blog@yahoo.com with your mailing info, I can get your book and lefse to you soon!

Thanks to everyone who entered, and I loved all the comments, they made my day!!

Help an Endo Sister Out!

My online friend Jeanne, who runs Chronic Healing, has Amazon.com links on her blog. If you shop on Amazon, just stop on by her blog first and click on her Amazon links, and that way she gets a small cut from your purchase, and it doesn't cost you anything more! Pretty sweet, eh?

For details, read her post here.

*cough* Bill, this means you *cough*

Thanks to Yaya for having the idea to give this it's own post!

Winter Wordless Wednesday

Another Award!

I gots another award!!

I got this from Kate over at Busted Plumbing! Thanks girl!!

The Rules:

• Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
• Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
• Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
• Thank the person who gave you the award.

The Seven Things:

1. I bought a comforter for my bed last month because Justin has one on his bed and Alex liked it, and I was jealous that she would sometimes sleep in his room on the comforter, so naturally I got one too.
2. My Christmas wish list this year includes a Smoltz jersey, George Harrison and Cat Stevens albums, and books. Life on the wild side, baby.
3. I'm beginning to realize that George Harrison is right up with with some Buddhist monks that I read for being my spiritual advisers.
4. I'm not a movie person. I like my tv shows and documentaries. My friends now just assume I haven't seen something.
5. I'm an odd assortment of old vs new school. I love new electronics, but it took me so long to embrace downloading albums instead of actually buying them in the store, and I think I've only downloaded three. If I had room in the living room for my record player, I'd still play my records. I'm very progressive, but I want baseball to drop the DH, raise the mound, and stop with the instant reply.
6. I cannot go to bed without brushing my teeth.
7. My favorite word of all time is emu.

Now, the seven blogs:

Chasing Pitter Patters by zengirl
Caiafa Craziness by Sarah
Chasing that Dream... by Jenn
Life Goes On by Sara
My Autoimmune Life by J
No Oven for the Bun by Meg.
Moderately Inconclusive by Jen

*clears throat* GIVEAWAY!

So far there have only been SIX entries in my giveaway. Which is all good (those that have entered love their chances) but just saying time is running out if you want to enter! It ends Friday the 4th!

Click here to enter!!