Infertility Update

This morning I awoke to an anxiety attack.

I knew what brought it on; I had a hysterectomy related dream.

I don't remember it, which has been driving me crazy all day. The only piece of it that I do remember, is that I was out walking Alex in her stroller, and I was with a friend. No idea who, but it was a female friend. Then a lady older than us ran up to us, and told me all about her hyst, and how she had no idea how emotionally it was, and I tried to comfort her.

So I woke up, realized I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, so took my med, put on Cat Stevens and George Harrison, and slept the entire morning.

Infertility has been on my mind the last couple of days.

I passed by my box the other night, and realized something.

I wonder if the kids that I'll never have know that I have a new boyfriend.

I haven't told him that I think about them. Not quite sure how to bring that one up. I'm sure the proper time will come.

But I mean, I have this new guy in my life, and do the kids that I'll never have even know that there's a new father figure?

It makes me sad that both parties are probably unaware of each other, but yet are so important in my life.

I really haven't talked much to Justin2 about my hyst and infertility. Sure I broke down on him that one night, but that's been about it, besides a random comment here and there, usually to do with tv or a commercial. Like there was a Dr Who episode about using humans as surrogate parents and I could get behind that idea. I mean seriously, taking a pill that removes that fat, and then a cute little alien baby pops out? Altho I don't have much fat, and so it'll come from my tits, and he wasn't a big fan of that idea, lol. And Alex would miss my squishy thighs. I just can't win.

I really haven't talked lately about my hyst and IF, but it's still there. My brother will thankfully turn it when he and his gf are watching that 16 or whatever age and pregnant show or whatever it's called. In my "Dead Space" game, I walked into an incubating room full of developing alien baby fetuses, and I will admit that I waaaaaaaaaay overdid the shooting of the aliens who tried to kill me. And I smashed their heads in.

It does haunt me. I don't want it to become the focus of my life. I've worked too hard to make that happen. Yet I do need to still respond to it. It will always be with me. The thoughts of the kids I will never have will always be with me. I don't want to lose them. It's all I have of them.