On Hold

Ok, so you know how Buddhism talks about accepting the present moment and being fully present in it?

Yeah, it's not happening.

I am not a fan of this present moment.

Well, before I made myself a tequila sunrise.

I'm in a lot of pain.

The doctors can't tell me what's for sure causing my side/ovary pain, or how long it will last.

I'm taking a narcotic pain med that makes me itch (no, I'm not mixing meds and drinks, don't worry).

I'm stuck on the couch.

Stuck on the couch with my life on hold and possibly beginning to fall apart.

I can't work.

I can't go out.

My parents are worried about me. I can't get my dad's facial expression out of my head when I told him yesterday that I was in pain again. My brother is going to have to step around here to help out.

I'm missing a dart tournament tomorrow.

My boyfriend is worried that if I do anything it will make my pain worse. This is definitely causing us stress.

To get the dishes done properly, I have to run the "pot scrub" option on the dishwasher because I can't be up long enough to wash/scrub the dishes beforehand.

My laundry is now being done as soon as I get enough for a small load because I don't have the energy to do more than that.

I'm terrified that everything that I've worked so hard for is slipping away. It may not have been much, but it was everything to me. I was working, hanging out with my boyfriend, going out, running errands, having fun, and enjoying life.

It's all on hold.

What if I lose it all? Or parts of it?

I don't know if I can go thru this again.

I've already lost so much, I can't bear to lose more.

It's hard enough losing these things temporarily.