Pain and Anger

I've been trying to form this post for a little while now, about admitting struggling vs not, and then S.I.F. (if you're not following her...um, why not? She rocks!) did a post the other day about admitting you're struggling and being honest with others about how you're really doing.

This weekend I finally let my parents know how I was really doing. That to cut up chicken for chicken enchiladas, I was holding back tears by the time I was done. That I really needed my brother to step up around the house and get his chores done on time and when they're needed, and be easier on me if I can't get my stuff done at certain times.

I hate admitting to my parents how horrible I feel. I hate knowing that they're worrying about me. I hate knowing that they're frustrated because there's nothing they can do.

My mom called me on Friday, after I sent a text to my dad saying that he needs to talk to my brother about the lack chore doing on his part, because he's not listening to me (you'd think in the past month he'd find 10 minutes to vacuum). I guess my text sounded pretty frustrated cause my mom called, which she never does. She even used her cell phone! My mom is weird. She hates her cell phone.

She got it out of me how much pain I've really been in (I've been using the term "hanging in here" when asked how I'm doing so I don't have to talk about it). Also she got made me realize that my anger towards my brother wasn't all all that fair. I was also pissed that I was being back dependent on others, and that I just couldn't do the freakin vacuuming myself, even if it isn't my job.

I was pretty disappointed in this. I wanted to be mad at my brother. Just mad at him.

It's easy to be mad at him. He's a stupidhead. He can yell back. I can tattle on him. And he hasn't been helping out.

But being mad at the fact that I hurt? That I can't do much?

Then I'm just...stuck with my anger.

I know it's there.

Thanks, mom. I was happy in denial.

Then she invited me to come back home til I'm "stronger." Not sure if she meant emotionally or physically but that's neither here nor there. I appreciate the offer, but I do like being at my place with my books and stuff. I told her I'd think about it.

But now that I know I'm way more frustrated at my current pain that I let on, and that I admitted it, I'm working with it. Trying to focus on what I can do rather on what I can't. Setting small goals and not sticking them against a time table.

One step at a time.

Goat steps.