Wanting Answers/Be Here Now

Tomorrow, er, today rather (Tuesday), I'm calling my doctor.

I can't wait another week or two just sitting around hoping the mysterious pain goes away.

I met with my psych Monday morning, and she said all things considering, I'm doing really well, but I got the whole thing about if I notice my mood start to go down and down and down, and if I can't bring it back up like I have been doing (with distraction, self soothing, going out when I can, techniques like that), that I need to call her immediately and we can up my Lexapro dosage, or possibly add more meds for depression.

Joy.

Tonight I was getting stir crazy. I wasn't hurting all that bad and I just needed to get out of the house. I went to the mall, stopped and looked in a few stores, and then went to Barnes and Noble and wandered all over.

By the time I got home, an hour, hour and a half later, I was in a lot of pain. I limped over to the couch and turned it to the Star Trek TNG marathon. Then my brother and I got into a fight. First of all, this is my couch, and my tv. He has a tv with satellite hookup in his room, I don't in mine, so to watch shows that I want to watch, I need to be in the living room. But he got all upset that he can never watch things in the living room anymore because I'm always here, and yeah I assumed that when he was getting off the couch he was going up to his room and that's why I changed the channel without asking, but then I pointed out that it's my tv and I have no where else to watch Star Trek TNG, and I thanked him for reminding me that I'm stuck on the fucking couch right now and have no where else to go. By this time I was bawling and he went up to his room. I know I'm a little oversensitive right now (pain, hormones, threatening my Star Trek viewing) but ugh he can be a jerk. But whatever, we ignored each other, and then he brought up a neutral topic (ice packs), so we're good now.

But yeah, I'm gonna call my doctor and tell her that this pain is not getting better, and I want answers.

I want my life back.

I hope I can get it back.

I want to go back to where I was pain free.

Buddhism teaches that a huge part of suffering is not accepting the present for what it is.

I know I'm in a lot of disbelief about this pain that's not supposed to be here, about how it's thrown things off in my life, and it's filling me up with anger and bitterness (as seen in the fight I had with my bro). It's eating at me, destroying me.

That's probably more toxic to me than whatever is causing this ovary area pain.

I need to find balance between accepting that I freakin hurt right now, and finding answers with my doctor.

Be here now.

With the Vicodin.