I haven't been quite right lately.
I go to bed with my mind racing.
I wake up in the middle of the night sad.
My dreams are becoming more and more haunting.
This morning I even woke up sad and can't shake it.
I was laying in bed this morning trying to figure out why I was sad.
Is it the hormones in my Yasmin? I don't remember ever having this problem before, but then again, I had been on some kind of hormone since 17 and I've been on a break from them for over a year now.
Is my depression getting worse? The endo return has becoming more and more scary to me. I don't know how the pain is going to affect me after I'm all healed from the surgery. Will it be random flare ups or daily? Will it be annoying or keep me in bed? If my depression is worse, and it's not connected to my Yasmin, will we have to up dosage of my Lexapro? Add something else?
But it's stupid to think about this stuff cause I haven't even been on Yasmin for two weeks yet, so it's too early to tell what's affecting my mood or even get that worried.
Also, sitting below the surface, is my barrenness. Not to be confused with baroness. To have kids I have two options: surrogacy or adopt. I can pretty much cross surrogacy off the list now because a) my endo is fubar and I had doubts about passing it on before, but now this pretty much makes the decision easy (well not easy like not difficult but easy as in don't think twice about it) and b) going on drugs for that would definitely flare up the endo, making me miserable and rendering me an unfit mother.
I want to get back to work. I've been talking with Matt and telling him I want to get back, and he just wants me better before I do. Well now that I'm healed mostly from surgery, my moods are all messed up. The last thing I want to do is finally get back and fall apart there because the damn fax machine won't work.
My therapist told me that I need to be patient and live in the moment. My Buddhist teachings tell me that as well. There's nothing I can do now but wait to see how things go. And it's not even *that* bad right now, just frustrating, and the nagging fear that it could get worse. On the other hand, I could very well wake up tomorrow and feel just fine.
"I'm so tired of being tired,
sure as night will follow day,
Most things I worry 'bout,
never happen anyway."
Tom Petty
