Pre Surgery Post

Finally getting around to this pre-surgery post.

Anti-anxiety meds are on hand while I write this.

Surgery is in nine days.  Yesterday I had to stop taking Motrin or Aleve (which SUCKS cause I'm fibro flaring today).  My pre op is on Thursday.  Things are coming together.

Except me.

I DO NOT want this surgery.

I know I have to have it.  I know I can't take many more of the pain-filled nights I had on Saturday when the Lortab did nothing.  Today before I noticed my fibro flare, I noticed the endo.  It's out of control. 

If I think about it too long, the thought of surgery will send me into an anxiety attack.  Like the one I had last night.  I've never had a laparotomy before.  Recovery is way harder and way longer for this than a regular laprascopic surgery for endo.  I'm gonna get a good four inch scar. I'm not too worried about the scar.  It should match the one I have on my right elbow from when I had Tommy John surgery.

I'm worried about recovery.

Three or four nights in the hospital.  Then a four hour ride to my parents' where I'll be spending probably the next month.  Yes, four hours just a few days out of surgery.  My dad will bring Alex that following Monday, but I won't have her greeting me when I get there.  I'm not exactly sure how long I'll be at my parents, but I don't want to be there at all.  I want to be here, at my own place, recovering.  My mom can be a good caregiver or a horrible one.  I hate that gamble.  Alex will be with me, but will also be around four other cats and a dog, and I won't be able to run to make sure she isn't getting into fights.  As soon as I can I'm coming back to my place.  

My body doesn't recover from surgeries like it used to.  The two laps I had last year took way longer to recover from than expected.  I'm getting older; I'm not the 17 year old who can come back from a surgery and be up and about the next day doing things. And when I'm laid up not being able to do much, how is my fibro going to react?  When I need to rest because of my endo now, the less I move the more upset my fibro gets.  I do not want to be dealing with multiple fibro flares during recovery.

There's a lot riding on this surgery.  If this doesn't work, I'm pretty much done trying to control my endo; there isn't anything else to do.  Three years ago today is when I first went to the CEC.  I saw one of the best doctors for endo.  Yet here I am three years later preparing for a major surgery.  This is my best chance to get it manageable again.  I'll be 27 this July--there's a lot of time left to be in pain if this doesn't work.

Then there's the stuff I have to get done before surgery.  I hafta be packed and headed to my parents in a week (Monday the 4th), because we drive down the 5th.  I want to have blankets prepped to be tied during recovery.  They increased the chance of a major flood here so I gotta get my stuff out of the basement.  First I have to clean the basement to actually find my stuff.  I lost the entire day today because of a fibro flare; I'm not sure how many days I'm actually going to have to get all of this stuff done. 

I don't want to do this.

I don't want to take the gamble again of "will this work?"

I don't want to recover anywhere but my place.  With Alex.

I am so tired of the fight against endo.  It keeps taking more and more out of me. 

This is such a different surgery, such a different mind frame, such a different way to prepare.

And I'm too tired to do any of it.

Yet I have to.

And don't tell me that you're excited that I have this opportunity or that this will fix everything.  I'll fucking kill you.  Then make you have the surgery first and see how you like it, plus recover with my parents.  Yeah that may be bitter, but there is nothing to be excited about now.  If I end up with better pain management, then yes, then I'll be excited.  But that is months and months away.  There is no way to tell what will happen.  All I know is recovery is going to be rough, away from my place, and not ideal.

I think I'll take my anti anxiety med now.