Infertility Is...

Infertility is the embodiment of judgment. 

Infertility is self judgment.  My body failed.  My body was diseased.  My body was in pain.  I was the one who approved the hysterectomy.  I’m the one who has been slowly gutted like a fish—my female organs being removed one at a time making me less than a woman.  I’m the one who won’t give my parents grandchildren.  I’m the one who won’t make my brothers uncles.  I’m the one who won’t make a future husband a father.  I cry at pregnancy/birth announcements when I really should be overjoyed so I’m a horrible friend. 

Infertility is judgment about others.  She’s inconsiderate and thoughtless about sharing her pregnancy news.  He’s biking with his daughter and she doesn’t have a helmet on—he doesn’t care about her safety.  She’s too over-protective.  He’s living through his child.  She jokes about giving her children away when they misbehave.  I, if given the chance to parent, would never do such things.  I would be a perfect parent. 

Infertility is judgment about God/a Higher Power.  If there was a God, mothers and fathers who kill or mistreat their children would not be allowed to be parents at all.  I’ve done everything right, why am I not blessed with a child?  Did I do something wrong—am I being punished for something?  God is a bastard for giving me this disease; a disease with no cure.

Infertility is judgment from society.  I won’t ever be a true woman if I am not a mother.  I’m an outsider to all the moms.  It’s being asked, “Do you have any kids?” when meeting someone new.  It’s being told, “Just adopt” when they find out you can’t get pregnant.  It’s being told that my disease and infertility was “meant to be” or some kind of “plan.” 

Infertility is hard enough without all the judgments.  Infertility is full of judgments, both internal and external.  Infertility is learning to live with these judgments.  Infertility is accepting me and my body for what they are.  Infertility is learning to forgive myself and others for such judgments.

This post is part of the Infertility Is Blog Contest sponsored by RESOLVE of New England. You can find links to all of the submissions online at their website. For more information about RESOLVE of New England, like them on Facebook or follow them on Twitter.