3 Year Mark Approaching

Sunday the 20th will mark my three year hysterectomy anniversary.  The thought of it makes me very sad and heartbroken.  I thought maybe the three year mark would be a little easier to deal with.

My two year mark was easier than my first year. 

Via WeHeartIt.com

I naturally expected that my third year would be a bit easier. 

Easier in the aspect of it not being all consuming; the pain is still there. I've gotten used to the pain, to my broken heart, to shattered dreams.

I was hoping that this weekend would pass without much darkness.

The melancholy really set in after watching an episode of "Star Trek Voyager" with the boyfriend a few days ago.  In this episode, the holographic Doctor programs himself a family.  It's perfect at first, but then Lt. Torres programs variables in it to make the family more realistic.  The Doctor ends up losing his daughter to a sports accident. 

I then spent the next few days trying to figure out why I was so sad--way more sad and upset then I thought I would be.

I came up with nothing.

Then today I was told by my favorite pharmacy tech that she's pregnant.  I am, of course, excited for her.  I just hope that the painful sting that threatened to floor me wasn't evident to her.  

Then today's Voyager viewing had to do with rewriting history, so that some civilizations never were to begin with.  And how do you miss someone who never really existed? 

I've been trying to figure that one out for years.

This pain and sadness that has enveloped me is too great to put into words.  I can't talk about it.  I can barely think on it. 

“I felt that I breathed an atmosphere of sorrow," Edgar Allen Poe.

I'm trying my best to accept that this won't be an easy anniversary and not try to fight it.  If I need to be sad, I must let myself be sad.  If I need to be angry, then I will be.

It's just so hard, and it just all sucks.